Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
- Dylan's headstone came in weeks ago. It's lovely. I've only been to see him twice since it's been there.
- The baby is doing great. We had an ultrasound this past Monday at 13 weeks and 2 days and the Peanut was just perfect.
- I decided to make the trip to my sister's. I am actually sitting in her den right now. My niece Chloe was born last Wednesday, June 10th. She is just beautiful. But, I've been here since Tuesday and it's really getting hard. I've been strong. I only cried once. But I was sitting in the living room earlier and my sister was holding Chloe and cooing and talking to her and I just felt such jealousy and...I don't even know what to call all the feelings. It made me so mad. My mom and I are leaving Saturday and I don't really know how I'll handle another day of being around the baby. I have held her, changed her, taken care of her. I love her but now I don't even want to look at her. I've avoided the feeling for so long that I don't remember how to deal with this intense pain. And there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
On the topic of my sister, I am really torn as to what to do. Like I said, she is due 3 days before I was. She lives in Arkansas and my mom is planning on going up there the week following the birth. She is going to stay at our house as a half way point, so I have the option of going with her. I am so nervous about it though. How will I feel? How will my sister feel? We were supposed to make this trip several weeks after the babies were here so we could all meet. But now it'll just be us meeting her. I feel like I'll want to hold her all the time and imagine that she's Dylan. But being my sister's new baby, she may not want me to hold her all the time. Or, she might totally understand. I might not want to hold the baby at all. Truth is, I don't know how I'll feel when/if I get there. I don't know if I should go or stay. I wonder if it might be a good time of healing for me, and if I don't go I'll miss out on it.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
One of the waterfalls
The stone for my dear friend's baby, born into Heaven at 27 weeks
I just couldn't resist sitting on those cute bears for a photo. :)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
I have a friend who lost a little boy at 27 weeks. She lost her next pregnancy at 6 weeks. She said that the miscarriage was sad, but it was nothing compared to losing her son at 27 weeks. She also doesn't understand how people can compare the two.
People are just so ignorant.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Precious Dylan. His little hand got bent as he was coming out.
Close up of his cord twist.
Dylan's beautiful little face. With a chin just like his Daddy's.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
We went to the cemetery office today to order Dylan's headstone. I can't wait to see it. The sketch should be back at the beginning of next week and then the headstone will be ready about a week after that. It is bronze on top of granite. There will be baby shoes in one corner and a rattle in the other. I think we'll be really happy with it.
It was emotional picking it out. The lady helping us was so compassionate. I asked if there were other babies buried at this cemetery and she said there are, but they all have unmarked graves. That made me so sad! I cannot imagine leaving Dylan out there with no marker.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
This is today, 6 weeks:
Now, I am definitely not complaining. I like it actually. Even though to the average joe I look like a fat horse, to myself I look pregnant! I mean, go back a few posts and look at my 20 week belly pic with Dylan. It's not much bigger than this 6 week belly! I'm so excited. lol.
Oh and let me just mention, I have not gained any weight. It's all just shifting belly!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Please God, touch my mind. Help me to sleep peacefully. Lord, please heal my heart. Keep this little baby safe and growing. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Pastor told a story of a huge fire in L.A. County. A family was escaping in their car, but the husband took a wrong turn. They ended up on top of a mountain with a 40 foot wall of fire on all sides of them. The family cried, they apologized to one another. The man sobbed and told his family he was sorry he took the wrong turn. That it was all his fault that they were going to die. Then all of a sudden he made a decision. He decided that he wouldn't just let his family sit there and experience a sure death. He grabbed the steering wheel, hit the gas pedal and floored it through the flames. The rubber melted off the tires, the car came crashing out on the other side of the flames and slammed into the side of a mountain. The car was dented, scratched, and beat up. But the family came out alive.
I am nervous about this pregnancy. I can deny it all I want and say "I've received all these signs, I know it'll all be okay." But that would be a lie. I am in the middle of Hell and I'm afraid I'll have to go through it all over again. But this message this morning gave me hope. That if I hold on tight, floor the accelerator, and just keep on going through, that God will bring me out on the other side alive. God will take care of this baby. He knows I'm afraid. But He is using this Hell to make me a stronger person and have a stronger faith. And I know that when I get out on the other side of this Hell, that there will be a beautiful gift on the other side, my new little baby. I'm not saying the pain won't still be there. But I hope it will be less severe. I know that God is using this Fire to mold me into the mommy, wife, and follower of Christ that I am meant to be.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Of course there is still that nervousness. I don't think any amount of faith can fully extinguish that fear. But I will continue to pray that this baby will live. And I feel in my heart and soul that he or she will.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Something they said to Michael today on the phone while he was making the appointment kind of crossed me. They said they wanted to see me alone first "since she was the one who actually lost the baby." What??? Michael lost a baby too, thank you very much! I don't know that he even took it that way but I was certainly offended by it! He lost a baby just as much as I did. Anyway, he told them he had to come with me since I don't drive and he'll have to bring me to the appointment. So that settles that.
Monday, April 6, 2009
I am leaning closer towards going back to work at my old job if I am not pregnant this cycle. They told me when I left that anytime I wanted to come back, to let them know and they'll find a place for me. I don't really want my old position back. Doing something that I don't have to think at, like receptionist, would be fine by me. We'll see how things go.
I started a new blog. It's called "My New Normal" and it's a place for me to post the "normal" things in my life. You can find a link in my profile if you would like to take a look.
Other than that, I have had too many other things on my mind the last few days to be too sad. It's been nice I guess, but I do feel guilty for enjoying myself or being too happy.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I don't think I am necessarily dying, but I am sure in a lot of pain. I find that when I think about Dylan, it's hard to breathe. I feel a heaviness come over me. I wonder if there really is a knife cutting a hole in my heart. One that is too big to ever fill.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I'd like to know...since I am no longer sleeping at night, why am I still living this nightmare?
This week I have felt so sluggish and sad. Angry at everyone around me who is happy and normal.
I feel lazy. I don't want to do anything. I want to hibernate until all of this is over. But it won't ever be over. Not until I meet my dear son in Heaven.
I feel like Michael expects too much from me. It's not much, really. It's the things I should be doing as a stay-at-home-wife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. I wash the clothes. Getting them folded is a whole 'nother matter though. I don't want to tell him that I feel this way because I don't want Dylan's death to be an excuse.
Please someone wake me up and tell me that I am still pregnant. That my baby is safe in my womb and that all this has just been a terrible, horrible nightmare. Please.
Friday, March 27, 2009
-Michael stayed home from work
-The guys were setting up the forms to pour the driveway at our new house
-We went over to see how they were doing before we left for Tyler
-We got to Tyler a little early and ate at Wendy's
-We sat in the car at the Dr.s office while we ate.
-We went in and signed in downstairs
-We commented on this girl's really short school uniform skirt
-We were called back to talk to the insurance people
-They called us back for the u/s
-The tech asked if we wanted to find out the gender and I enthusiastically said "Yes!!"
-I hopped up on the table
-Tech put the wand on my belly and told me to go empty my bladder
-She told Michael that she would be right back
-Came back a few minutes later with a Dr we didn't know
-They looked at the screen a long time without saying much
-I asked if everything was okay.
-Dr. said they couldn't find the heartbeat
-I asked her to try it with the doppler, they should be able to get it that way, we did last week
-Dr said no, u/s is the best way to look
-I cupped my hand over my mouth and started to cry
-Tech asked if we wanted a picture
-She gave us the picture and lead us out the back door
-We sat in the car and cried.
I remember it all like it was yesterday. It's so vivid. I can't believe it's been so long already. I wish that day had never happened.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tonight on a message board that I frequent (it's not a baby board), some girls were talking about cloth diapers. I love cloth diapers and was (and still am for future babies) planning on using them. I have quite a few diapers that I already bought, and some that I made. It made me so mad that they were discussing this! I couldn't bring myself to discuss it with them. I was just so hurt by this. I should still be buying and making diapers for my son. I can't even look at them right now! I just want to scream and cry. :(
Saturday, March 21, 2009
(Update: It went well! No one said a word about it. Everything was comfortable until our neice showed me a picture of Michael's ex-fiance with her new baby. :( But..I suppose she didn't know any better.)
I went to the cemetary by myself yesterday. I stayed about 20 minutes. I cried and talked a lot to little Dylan. I am a bit sad and melancholy today too.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Tonight at church was hard. My friend was there with her brand new baby girl. She was premature and only weighs 5 pounds. She was precious. When I first saw her, I started crying. My friend understood though and was very comforting. Her sister lost a baby at 27 weeks, 2 years ago. Later on tonight at dinner, I held the new baby and it was actually very comforting. She is absolutely lovely.
Michael and I still haven't been by to order Dylan's headstone. I am ready to do that. Maybe we'll go sometime this week.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
I was looking at this a little while ago. I shouldn't have. It made me think. Thinking is never that good of a thing to do too much of.
I remember little Dylan, just 4 short weeks ago, kicking away in my belly. It felt like what maybe a fish would feel like if it was swimming in your tummy. I remember just a few nights before we found out he was gone..he had kicked me harder than ever before. I wonder now, since he'd be bigger and stronger, what it would be like to feel him kick and squirm inside me. I wish he was still here.
I've been thinking about what will come next. Michael and I are going to TTC again as soon as we can. I want to TTC again. I want a baby more than anything. I wish I didn't have to because that would mean I would still have my Dylan. I miss my little boy.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
What I gather from this is - my son was the one in thousands that this might happen to. It's obviously too rare to write anything about it. He apparently moved too much and his silly cord just got wound up too tight.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Today I went to ladies group at my church in Louisiana (where I am staying with my mom for a while). We had lunch and Bible reading. I was feeling a little blah because most of the 10 women that attended also brought their children under the age of two. After we ate we set out to do some outreach to a couple of families by bringing them cookies and letting them know we were thinking of them and praying for them. We arrived at the first house and at first all I noticed was the swing and car seat. It wasn't until 5 minutes into the visit that I noticed the girl on the couch holding the newborn. It was a small house and the room was crowded. Some of the other women started asking about the baby. It was a boy. A one week old boy. I looked around the room and saw the the front door was open. I ran out as quickly as I could. I just couldn't hold it together. My friend ran after me and held me while I sobbed. Within seconds all the other women had come out to comfort me as well.
I felt silly. Like I had ruined our outreach time. They assured me that it was normal and perfectly fine that I reacted that way. Thank God for friends who understand.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I think the last two are where I am right now. I am sad. I am unmotivated. And I am jealous. Jealous of others who are pregnant, mostly. Why can they be and not me? I find myself thinking "good luck, I hope it lasts for you" which is a really crappy thing of me to think. I also see pregnant teens and think "you don't deserve that." I mean there are lots of people who don't even want their babies and they have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies. Michael and I planned, hoped, dreamed and our baby died.
It is so not fair.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I know you have so many things
that remind you of me so.
And though you cry as you recall
the time you spent with me.
I know your pain would turn to joy if only
you could see. I'm in Heaven with Jesus now.
We laugh, we sing, we play.
He holds me gently in His arms.
I know no pain today.
And though we're apart a little while,
Jesus has promised me
He'll someday bring you here where we'll live for eternity.
The pregnancy was going great. I had bad morning sickness (well, all day sickness) but the baby and I were otherwise very healthy.
December 23rd 2008 - The first appointment with my new OB doctor. I previously had a midwife but my mom and husband talked me out of doing the homebirth for my first pregnancy. I loved my new doctor though! This was the day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. It was strong and perfect. Beating in the 160's.
January 22nd 2009 - Second appointment with OB. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant at this time. Perfect heartbeat again, beating in the 140's. Dr. made a guess that the baby was a boy.
We were supposed to have the 19/20 week ultrasound on January 26th to find out the gender. But due to my sickness I had been off work for a while and my job had to let me go. So we changed to u/s date to February 4th because of the change in insurance.
February 4th came and Michael and I were super excited. My sister (who is due June 17th, just 3 days before I was) found out the day before that she was expecting a girl. We arrived at the Dr's office and I hopped up on the table. The tech looked a little confused as she watched the screen. She left for a few minutes and came back with a doctor that we hadn't met before. They looked at the u/s screen for a long time without ever saying anything. Finally I asked if everything was okay.
"We aren't seeing a heartbeat" she said.
"Come back tomorrow morning to talk with your doctor"
Everything after that was a blur. Michael and I prayed all that night and we just knew that a mistake had been made and Thursday morning at the appointment our dr. would assure us that everything was okay. It didn't happen that way though. I insisted that my dr. do another u/s. She did and there had been no changes. The baby's heart had not miraculously started beating again. We decided that I would check into the hospital on Friday at 5:00 pm to start the induction.
February 6th -7th 2009 - We checked into the hospital Friday night and started IV's and Cervadyl. Saturday morning my Dr. started the induction with Cytotec. I didn't really go into labor until about 4 pm. I got an epidural at 6 pm and delivered little Dylan Thomas at 10:20 pm.
As soon as he was born the Dr. knew why he passed away. His little umbilical cord was twisted very tight.
Dylan weighed 2.4 ounces and was 6 3/4 inches long.
We held him and loved him for a while. Then the nurses took him to clean him up. We had a photographer come from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she took some beautiful pictures.
Dylan's funeral took place Tuesday, February 10, 2009.