Saturday, March 28, 2009


Here I am again. It's after 3 AM and I am still wide awake. I am fully aware that it is because I slept till 3:30 today. It's turning into a cycle that I can't seem to undo. Michael and I have to be somewhere at 8 in the morning, though, and then I have to go shopping with SIL.

I'd like to know...since I am no longer sleeping at night, why am I still living this nightmare?

This week I have felt so sluggish and sad. Angry at everyone around me who is happy and normal.

I feel lazy. I don't want to do anything. I want to hibernate until all of this is over. But it won't ever be over. Not until I meet my dear son in Heaven.

I feel like Michael expects too much from me. It's not much, really. It's the things I should be doing as a stay-at-home-wife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. I wash the clothes. Getting them folded is a whole 'nother matter though. I don't want to tell him that I feel this way because I don't want Dylan's death to be an excuse.

Please someone wake me up and tell me that I am still pregnant. That my baby is safe in my womb and that all this has just been a terrible, horrible nightmare. Please.


  1. There is nothing I would want more than to hug you and tell you that this is all just one horrible dream, but unfornately this is a reality that we just can't wake up from...I'm so sorry for your loss of Dylan. The first few months after the loss of our daughter, Lily, were excruciating and I would cry so hard that my hubby would have to give me a little nudge to breath. This is unimaginable pain and can become suffocating. It will get easier to live through this nightmare and you will get a new sense of normal...eventually.


  2. I am so sorry you're feeling this way! I understand though...some days I sit here and honestly have to think hard about it to remember and realize that it all really happened. I wish I could snap my fingers and have ALL of us just wake up to find that it was just a horrible nightmare...I really do.

    It's been 8 months since Cameron passed, and there hasn't been a week that's gone by that I haven't shed a tear. The pain has gotten more tolerable, but my heart still hurts. And I suspect it always will.

    You will get there sweety, it just takes a lot of time and patience! I won't say understanding because I don't understand why any of us had to lose our babies, but there comes a time when a small sense of peace will come over you. To me, it sort of took the place of understanding...if that makes sense.

    Have you talked to your Dr. at all about the sleepless nights? I was set home from the hospital with sleeping pills just in case. I never needed them, but they were there if I did. I'm sure your Dr. would be more than willing to help you out.

    BIG ((HUGS)) hun!

  3. I have certainly felt those same ways. It is hard to reverse the sleeping hours once you are in a pattern. I still stay awake way too late at night and think too much about the things I have gone through. And I am STILL (6 months later) finding it very difficult to motivate myself to take care of things I normally should be doing. The sadness sweeps over and I can't seem to do much but feel and hurt and think. Hugs.

  4. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet son. We lost our beautiful daughter 1-4-09 after my water prematurely ruptured...she was 23W and 3d. I understand the nightmare for sure. When we first got home from the hospital, I cried and begged my husband to wake me up. Your post brought tears to my eyes, I can completely relate to your pain. Like others said, it is still difficult to motivate myself, but be gentle. Start with small goals and work through your day one step at a time. Feel free to stop by on my blog and say hello anytime! Hugs to you, you are in my thoughts.