Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Feelings and other rambling thoughts

I think people assume that when you have another baby after a loss, that you get over your loss. Maybe forget? I don't really know what they think. Comments like "but you have a new baby now" really hurt. So I should forget my other baby? I don't think so.

The last couple of months have been really emotional for me. I don't know if it's hormones, or the time of year, or what. But I miss Dylan so much. No one understands it. I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like M has moved on from it. I love my baby girl so much, but it doesn't erase the fact that I love and miss my son and I always will. I still cry over him. Frequently in fact. It's not daily like it used to be. But weekly maybe.

No one talks about him. I think everyone has forgotten him.

Mother's day was hard. So many people said "Oh it must be your first mother's day" when they saw me with Vivian. I just nodded and looked away, because that's easier than explaining.

I wanted to take a picture with my children on Mother's Day. I wanted to go to Dylan's grave and take a picture of me and Vivian sitting by it. I think everyone would think it's super weird though.

Too many babies are dying. I have heard of so many little angels in the past few months. It makes me SO angry that they have to go. IT IS NOT FAIR. Maybe one day babies won't have to die anymore.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Happy Birthday Dylan

I cannot believe it's been a year.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

It's that time

Happy New Year everyone! It's been a long time. I've avoided my blog for a long time because everytime I'd come here it would make me sad. But in the last week or so, I've been coming back to my blog for comfort. February is quickly approaching and with it the memories of The News and Dylan's birth.

On December 17, 2009 we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Vivian Noelle, into the world. She is an amazing miracle and blessing from God. We are enjoying every minute with her.

But with Dylan's birthday coming up, I have been sad. I miss him. I love my little girl so much, but no one can fill the hole in my heart that Dylan left. It is true that you can feel like your hurt is gone and your heart is healed and then suddenly the wound can burst open again when you're least expecting it. I did not think that this time would affect me. I thought we'd arrive at his birthday, visit his grave, cry a bit, and move on. But I don't see it happening that way, as I'm already grieving again. I guess the others are right when they say you're never really done grieving...

Last night I made this slideshow in memory on Dylan, for his birthday. I hope you enjoy. (You'll need to go to the bottom of the blog and pause my playlist so you can hear the song on the video)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I guess it's time for an update..?

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long! Things have been BUSY. And I guess I've been kind of avoiding my blog because it's somewhat depressing. Well, we moved into our new house that we've been building since August 2008. We LOVE it!! We're settling in and really enjoying living here.

I am doing really well. I am now 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little GIRL! We are so excited. Here are some pictures from our 17 week, 6 day ultrasound. :) Oh..and her name will be Vivian, which means "Alive"

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Peanut's ultrasound

This is Peanut's 13 week 2 day u/s. Today I am 14 weeks 3 days. We go for the "big" u/s on July 17.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Been a while

It's been a while since I've been on my blog. It's actually been a while since I've done much of anything to remind myself of Dylan. I think I was subconsciously building up a wall to protect myself from the emotions. The ones I'm feeling now anyway. Day after tomorrow is Dylan's due date.

- Dylan's headstone came in weeks ago. It's lovely. I've only been to see him twice since it's been there.

- The baby is doing great. We had an ultrasound this past Monday at 13 weeks and 2 days and the Peanut was just perfect.

- I decided to make the trip to my sister's. I am actually sitting in her den right now. My niece Chloe was born last Wednesday, June 10th. She is just beautiful. But, I've been here since Tuesday and it's really getting hard. I've been strong. I only cried once. But I was sitting in the living room earlier and my sister was holding Chloe and cooing and talking to her and I just felt such jealousy and...I don't even know what to call all the feelings. It made me so mad. My mom and I are leaving Saturday and I don't really know how I'll handle another day of being around the baby. I have held her, changed her, taken care of her. I love her but now I don't even want to look at her. I've avoided the feeling for so long that I don't remember how to deal with this intense pain. And there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


It's coming upon the time that my little group of "preggies" is due to have their babies. One was born just yesterday, precious little girl. Another, a little boy, is due June 11. And my sister's sweet little girl is due June 17, just 3 days before my own due date. It's really beginning to hit me that, in just a few weeks, we would all have our little ones. But now, I won't. I won't be bringing a little one home in 6 weeks or showing him off at church. I lied awake last night imagining bringing Dylan home in his little carseat. Bringing him to church for the first time. Lugging all the baby gear around. But that is all I'll ever have with him, imaginings.

On the topic of my sister, I am really torn as to what to do. Like I said, she is due 3 days before I was. She lives in Arkansas and my mom is planning on going up there the week following the birth. She is going to stay at our house as a half way point, so I have the option of going with her. I am so nervous about it though. How will I feel? How will my sister feel? We were supposed to make this trip several weeks after the babies were here so we could all meet. But now it'll just be us meeting her. I feel like I'll want to hold her all the time and imagine that she's Dylan. But being my sister's new baby, she may not want me to hold her all the time. Or, she might totally understand. I might not want to hold the baby at all. Truth is, I don't know how I'll feel when/if I get there. I don't know if I should go or stay. I wonder if it might be a good time of healing for me, and if I don't go I'll miss out on it.