Wednesday, May 13, 2009


It's coming upon the time that my little group of "preggies" is due to have their babies. One was born just yesterday, precious little girl. Another, a little boy, is due June 11. And my sister's sweet little girl is due June 17, just 3 days before my own due date. It's really beginning to hit me that, in just a few weeks, we would all have our little ones. But now, I won't. I won't be bringing a little one home in 6 weeks or showing him off at church. I lied awake last night imagining bringing Dylan home in his little carseat. Bringing him to church for the first time. Lugging all the baby gear around. But that is all I'll ever have with him, imaginings.

On the topic of my sister, I am really torn as to what to do. Like I said, she is due 3 days before I was. She lives in Arkansas and my mom is planning on going up there the week following the birth. She is going to stay at our house as a half way point, so I have the option of going with her. I am so nervous about it though. How will I feel? How will my sister feel? We were supposed to make this trip several weeks after the babies were here so we could all meet. But now it'll just be us meeting her. I feel like I'll want to hold her all the time and imagine that she's Dylan. But being my sister's new baby, she may not want me to hold her all the time. Or, she might totally understand. I might not want to hold the baby at all. Truth is, I don't know how I'll feel when/if I get there. I don't know if I should go or stay. I wonder if it might be a good time of healing for me, and if I don't go I'll miss out on it.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Children's Park

Michael and I went to the Children's Park after our appointment Wednesday. It was so beautiful there! Every year in October they host a butterfly release in memory of our babies. There are stones lining the walk-ways with babies' and childrens' names in memory of them. Michael and I would like to purchase a stone one day...though they are expensive and we'll have to save up since we just spent a good chunk of money on Dylan's headstone. Here are some pictures from around the park.

Life size, solid granite teddy bears. They were so cute!!

One of the waterfalls

The stone for my dear friend's baby, born into Heaven at 27 weeks

I just couldn't resist sitting on those cute bears for a photo. :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My mother's day gift

The left side says "Dylan" and the right side says "2-7-2009". The stones are his birthstone and his "due date" stone. :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Meet "Little Peanut"

Little Peanut! Heart was beating away at 150 bpm. So cute! :) Little Peanut (Let's say LP for short) measured at 7 w 2 days which is fine, according to my LMP I am 7 weeks 4 days, so not much difference.

First appointment

We have our first Dr's appointment tomorrow. We'll be meeting with the nurse first and then we'll go for an ultrasound. Please say a prayer that everything is fine and that we see a strong little beating heart.

Monday, May 4, 2009

They just don't get it

Michael's grandmother called last night. M was in a really bad mood and kind of yelled at her. She said "You know, ___ & ___ lost their baby too." M said "It's not even the same thing!" and hung up on her. This couple she was referring to had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago. Several times M's grandmother has brought it up that they lost one "just like ya'll." Now I don't want to discount anyone's miscarriage, I am sure it's a very painful and tragic thing to experience. But they are not "just like us" because they had a miscarriage. Her labor was not induced so she would give birth to a dead baby. They did not have to pick out a casket the size of a shoebox, buy a burial plot, and have a funeral. She did lose a baby, but it was NOT "just like us." I hate more than anything people coming up to me and saying "Oh I know exactly how you feel, I had a miscarriage too." I want to scream "Sorry to hear that! But did you hold your dead child in your arms? No. You have no idea how I feel."

I have a friend who lost a little boy at 27 weeks. She lost her next pregnancy at 6 weeks. She said that the miscarriage was sad, but it was nothing compared to losing her son at 27 weeks. She also doesn't understand how people can compare the two.

People are just so ignorant.