Monday, May 4, 2009

They just don't get it

Michael's grandmother called last night. M was in a really bad mood and kind of yelled at her. She said "You know, ___ & ___ lost their baby too." M said "It's not even the same thing!" and hung up on her. This couple she was referring to had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago. Several times M's grandmother has brought it up that they lost one "just like ya'll." Now I don't want to discount anyone's miscarriage, I am sure it's a very painful and tragic thing to experience. But they are not "just like us" because they had a miscarriage. Her labor was not induced so she would give birth to a dead baby. They did not have to pick out a casket the size of a shoebox, buy a burial plot, and have a funeral. She did lose a baby, but it was NOT "just like us." I hate more than anything people coming up to me and saying "Oh I know exactly how you feel, I had a miscarriage too." I want to scream "Sorry to hear that! But did you hold your dead child in your arms? No. You have no idea how I feel."

I have a friend who lost a little boy at 27 weeks. She lost her next pregnancy at 6 weeks. She said that the miscarriage was sad, but it was nothing compared to losing her son at 27 weeks. She also doesn't understand how people can compare the two.

People are just so ignorant.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that people are trying to compare your loss to others. That just isn't fair. You are right, people do not get it. Unfortunately I do get it, and fortunately I'm here for you anytime. Hugs.

  2. I struggled with the same thing when we first lost Cameron. Actually, I still do from time to time. Except now, I don't hold my tongue. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but it is NOT the same.

    We didn't lose the IDEA of having a baby - we actually gave birth. We are not mourning the idea of what our children would have been or what they would have looked like. We're mourning the babies we BIRTHED, but never got to bring home.

    There is hurt on both sides, we can't deny that, and in now way am I saying the those that have had miscarriages don't grieve. But all around, it's a different situation. A family friend of ours had 4 miscarriages, a stillborn, and then another miscarriage. She said while the miscarriages hurt, she would take that over having to have a stillborn any day.

    I believe I blogged about this same thing shortly after we lost Cameron. My grandma called me 2 days after Cameron was born and I was crying. She actually had the nerve to ask, "What's wrong?". When I told her how much I was hurting, all she said to me was, "It's hard. Your aunt has been through this." I just said, "No she hasn't. She didn't deliver her babies, she didn't know the sex, she didn't pick out names, she doesn't acknowledge them when people ask how many children she has, she didn't have to go to a funeral home to make arrangements, and she never held her forever sleeping baby in her arms. It's not the same."

    When people say, "My wife had a miscarriage a few years back." or "I know what you're going through. I lost my baby at such and such early week", I politely tell them I'm sorry for their loss, but that I didn't have a miscarriage. My son was still born. Honestly a lot of people don't even know the term, and they are really just speaking out of pure, blissful ignorance.

    Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and little Dylan. Let people know who he was. That he was a real baby, whom you got to hold and kiss before saying your good-byes.

  3. I too have written on my blog about this topic. Unfortunately, people think if you didn't have a full term baby you had a miscarriage. They are deeply mistaken. People have no clue what we go through as mothers of preterm babies who have died. I am sorry you have had hurtful comments lately. Hugs to you.

  4. I have felt like this, too. I meet people who say "The same thing happened to me, I was 6 weeks." 6 WEEKS? I was 22 weeks pregnant and my son lived almost half an hour! He was a living, moving baby in my arms! I also had to hold my dead son after he was gone. I am sure, like you said, that miscarriages come with their share of pain...but I have trouble sometimes even comparing the two. I feel selfish sometimes...but I guess I am not alone.

    Hang in there, honey...I will pray for you.

  5. I'm so irked at some of the women on my birthboard when say they are having a rainbow baby because they had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in their previous pregnancy. I could be completely out of line, but I'm like "you don't know pain until you've held your dead baby in your arms."

    I've politely corrected people when they've called Lily a miscarriage, and I will continue to correct anyone's ignorance until the day that I die...

  6. I also have a difficult time with this one....

    Miscarriage is difficult friend had three miscarriage within a two yr time span and while we relate a lot on the pain of wanting a child that you can't's really still different.

    It's more difficult to move forward from a child you met, named, and bonded with.

    I also had a friend who passed away when he was 22...I see his mom sometimes and I can't help but wonder if her grief is so much harder than mine because she has so many more memories that trigger.

    Grief is difficult no matter what....and I believe that all life is important whether you are 6 weeks in the womb, born too soon, 22 years old, or even 98!!