Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Feelings and other rambling thoughts

I think people assume that when you have another baby after a loss, that you get over your loss. Maybe forget? I don't really know what they think. Comments like "but you have a new baby now" really hurt. So I should forget my other baby? I don't think so.

The last couple of months have been really emotional for me. I don't know if it's hormones, or the time of year, or what. But I miss Dylan so much. No one understands it. I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like M has moved on from it. I love my baby girl so much, but it doesn't erase the fact that I love and miss my son and I always will. I still cry over him. Frequently in fact. It's not daily like it used to be. But weekly maybe.

No one talks about him. I think everyone has forgotten him.

Mother's day was hard. So many people said "Oh it must be your first mother's day" when they saw me with Vivian. I just nodded and looked away, because that's easier than explaining.

I wanted to take a picture with my children on Mother's Day. I wanted to go to Dylan's grave and take a picture of me and Vivian sitting by it. I think everyone would think it's super weird though.

Too many babies are dying. I have heard of so many little angels in the past few months. It makes me SO angry that they have to go. IT IS NOT FAIR. Maybe one day babies won't have to die anymore.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Happy Birthday Dylan

I cannot believe it's been a year.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

It's that time

Happy New Year everyone! It's been a long time. I've avoided my blog for a long time because everytime I'd come here it would make me sad. But in the last week or so, I've been coming back to my blog for comfort. February is quickly approaching and with it the memories of The News and Dylan's birth.

On December 17, 2009 we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Vivian Noelle, into the world. She is an amazing miracle and blessing from God. We are enjoying every minute with her.

But with Dylan's birthday coming up, I have been sad. I miss him. I love my little girl so much, but no one can fill the hole in my heart that Dylan left. It is true that you can feel like your hurt is gone and your heart is healed and then suddenly the wound can burst open again when you're least expecting it. I did not think that this time would affect me. I thought we'd arrive at his birthday, visit his grave, cry a bit, and move on. But I don't see it happening that way, as I'm already grieving again. I guess the others are right when they say you're never really done grieving...

Last night I made this slideshow in memory on Dylan, for his birthday. I hope you enjoy. (You'll need to go to the bottom of the blog and pause my playlist so you can hear the song on the video)