Thursday, June 18, 2009

Been a while

It's been a while since I've been on my blog. It's actually been a while since I've done much of anything to remind myself of Dylan. I think I was subconsciously building up a wall to protect myself from the emotions. The ones I'm feeling now anyway. Day after tomorrow is Dylan's due date.

- Dylan's headstone came in weeks ago. It's lovely. I've only been to see him twice since it's been there.

- The baby is doing great. We had an ultrasound this past Monday at 13 weeks and 2 days and the Peanut was just perfect.

- I decided to make the trip to my sister's. I am actually sitting in her den right now. My niece Chloe was born last Wednesday, June 10th. She is just beautiful. But, I've been here since Tuesday and it's really getting hard. I've been strong. I only cried once. But I was sitting in the living room earlier and my sister was holding Chloe and cooing and talking to her and I just felt such jealousy and...I don't even know what to call all the feelings. It made me so mad. My mom and I are leaving Saturday and I don't really know how I'll handle another day of being around the baby. I have held her, changed her, taken care of her. I love her but now I don't even want to look at her. I've avoided the feeling for so long that I don't remember how to deal with this intense pain. And there is nothing I can do to fix it.


  1. I was beginning to worry about you, because I had sent you a message on BBC, too.

    I know its difficult with a new baby in the family when you had so many plans and dreams for Dylan. ((hugs))and all that you are feeling is completely normal.

  2. Wow. That would be such a tough situation. I'm sure I would feel the same way. I'm proud of you for being such a great aunt and suffering through your pain to help out and make this trip. Hugs to you.