Mixed emotions

So of course I am totally thrilled about this pregnancy! I had a good feeling about this month because 3 weeks before I even started my period, I did a due date calculation. Of course it asked for LMP and I randomly put in March 14. It gave me a EDD of December 19. Which just so happens to be my 87 year old grandmother's birthday. So I was thinking the whole time "it's a sign! it's got to be!" So when I actually DID start my period on March 14 I was really convinced that this had to be it. Besides that I had been praying like crazy that I really need to have a 2009 baby. Finally I start getting BFP tests and I am scared silly. I cried and prayed all night the other night (I took the first test at 2 am). I was really really nervous. But since then this peace has come over me. I feel like Jesus and Dylan have together given Michael and I this baby. I know Dylan had something to do with it. When I talked to Dylan at his grave I asked him to please please ask Jesus to send Mommy another baby. Well, they did. So if that is the case, I am sure they are going to be watching over this baby and make sure all goes well.

Of course there is still that nervousness. I don't think any amount of faith can fully extinguish that fear. But I will continue to pray that this baby will live. And I feel in my heart and soul that he or she will.