Wishes

I wish I had gotten more pictures of Dylan. My aunt took a few of him right after he was born, and I adore those. We had a photographer from NILMDTS come and take photos, and those are precious to me. But they are "fixed" and I wish I had more of him the way he really looked. The professional pictures are the ones I share with others. I wish that people weren't freaked out by his natural ones. He was a beautiful baby and I don't think his pictures needed any doctoring.

I wish we had taken more pictures of us holding him in our arms. After the nurses brought Dylan back to us, he was in a miniature moses basket. The photographer took him out but we only held him in the basket after that.

I wish I had gotten one of those cute little knitted caps for him to wear in his pictures.

I wish I had held him longer. Maybe all night. I miss holding him. I wish I could hold him again.

There are less than 8 weeks until Dylan's due date. I wish we were preparing his nursery and getting ready for his arrival, instead of starting all over again. I feel terrible for saying that. I love and adore this new little one growing inside me. But it doesn't change that fact that I should have a different, bigger baby in my belly right now, getting ready to come into the world.

These are some of the pictures of Dylan right after his birth.

Precious Dylan. His little hand got bent as he was coming out.

Close up of his cord twist.

Dylan's beautiful little face. With a chin just like his Daddy's.

Headstone

I have had very little energy the past two days. I eat, sleep, eat, sleep. But, it's better than all the puking I did with Dylan.

We went to the cemetery office today to order Dylan's headstone. I can't wait to see it. The sketch should be back at the beginning of next week and then the headstone will be ready about a week after that. It is bronze on top of granite. There will be baby shoes in one corner and a rattle in the other. I think we'll be really happy with it.

It was emotional picking it out. The lady helping us was so compassionate. I asked if there were other babies buried at this cemetery and she said there are, but they all have unmarked graves. That made me so sad! I cannot imagine leaving Dylan out there with no marker.

The Amazing Expanding Belly!

This is insane. Here is a pic from 4 weeks 6 days:

This is today, 6 weeks:

Now, I am definitely not complaining. I like it actually. Even though to the average joe I look like a fat horse, to myself I look pregnant! I mean, go back a few posts and look at my 20 week belly pic with Dylan. It's not much bigger than this 6 week belly! I'm so excited. lol.

Oh and let me just mention, I have not gained any weight. It's all just shifting belly!

Beauty From Pain - Superchick

Wow..these lyrics just describe it perfectly.

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

March for Babies?

I really wish I had known about this sooner! I was just looking at their website and the walk in my area takes place this Saturday, and I'll still be in Louisiana. So I looked up the one for this area and it's not until May 25. Grr. I so want to walk! My goal now is to definitely set up a team and walk next year in memory of Dylan. Can anyone tell me when they start planning for the following year?

Sadness

I am experiencing an overwhelming sadness tonight. I am not sure what brought it on but I have been thinking about Dylan all night. Then as I was telling Michael goodnight on AIM (I'm in Louisiana at my mom's right now) I remembered that the last 3 or 4 nights I've had nightmares of losing this baby. It's not terrifying, sweating, screaming nightmares. But it seems like at least once in the night I dream that I am bleeding or that I'm in the hospital or something to that affect. It's terrible.

Please God, touch my mind. Help me to sleep peacefully. Lord, please heal my heart. Keep this little baby safe and growing. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Going through Hell

This morning's sermon was titled "You Can't Escape Hell." I am never good at remembering sermons word for word so I'll just say it like I heard it. I swear it was preached straight to me. The pastor said something about even if we don't go to Hell after we die, we all go through Hell here on earth. He talked about how after we have been through our Hell, we are afraid that we will go through this same Hell again. And no one can say for sure whether or not we will. But God knows and He has a plan. He will be with us through it all and will bring us out on the other side, stronger.

Pastor told a story of a huge fire in L.A. County. A family was escaping in their car, but the husband took a wrong turn. They ended up on top of a mountain with a 40 foot wall of fire on all sides of them. The family cried, they apologized to one another. The man sobbed and told his family he was sorry he took the wrong turn. That it was all his fault that they were going to die. Then all of a sudden he made a decision. He decided that he wouldn't just let his family sit there and experience a sure death. He grabbed the steering wheel, hit the gas pedal and floored it through the flames. The rubber melted off the tires, the car came crashing out on the other side of the flames and slammed into the side of a mountain. The car was dented, scratched, and beat up. But the family came out alive.

I am nervous about this pregnancy. I can deny it all I want and say "I've received all these signs, I know it'll all be okay." But that would be a lie. I am in the middle of Hell and I'm afraid I'll have to go through it all over again. But this message this morning gave me hope. That if I hold on tight, floor the accelerator, and just keep on going through, that God will bring me out on the other side alive. God will take care of this baby. He knows I'm afraid. But He is using this Hell to make me a stronger person and have a stronger faith. And I know that when I get out on the other side of this Hell, that there will be a beautiful gift on the other side, my new little baby. I'm not saying the pain won't still be there. But I hope it will be less severe. I know that God is using this Fire to mold me into the mommy, wife, and follower of Christ that I am meant to be.

Signs

I am in shock. Signs have been popping up everywhere with this pregnancy. First, I estimated that my LMP would start on March 14 long before it ever did. Since starting my LMP on that date, my EDD is December 19, which is my 87 year old grandmother's birthday. Now here is the newest sign. I have had a strong feeling that this baby is a girl. Before I even got my first BFP I said her name will be Vivienne. We've been calling her that the last few days. Well I just decided to look up the meaning of the name Vivienne and the meaning shocked me and brought tears to my eyes. It means....



Alive.

Mixed emotions

So of course I am totally thrilled about this pregnancy! I had a good feeling about this month because 3 weeks before I even started my period, I did a due date calculation. Of course it asked for LMP and I randomly put in March 14. It gave me a EDD of December 19. Which just so happens to be my 87 year old grandmother's birthday. So I was thinking the whole time "it's a sign! it's got to be!" So when I actually DID start my period on March 14 I was really convinced that this had to be it. Besides that I had been praying like crazy that I really need to have a 2009 baby. Finally I start getting BFP tests and I am scared silly. I cried and prayed all night the other night (I took the first test at 2 am). I was really really nervous. But since then this peace has come over me. I feel like Jesus and Dylan have together given Michael and I this baby. I know Dylan had something to do with it. When I talked to Dylan at his grave I asked him to please please ask Jesus to send Mommy another baby. Well, they did. So if that is the case, I am sure they are going to be watching over this baby and make sure all goes well.

Of course there is still that nervousness. I don't think any amount of faith can fully extinguish that fear. But I will continue to pray that this baby will live. And I feel in my heart and soul that he or she will.

Some news...

Michael's Easter basket. I gave it to him tonight. He was so surprised!

EDD: December 19, 2009

It went well

Michael and I had our first couseling session today. We both really liked the counselor and felt really good after we left. I think these sessions will really help us with not only our grief but help strengthen our marriage as well.

Nightmares

I am not sure what is wrong with me. Last night I dreamed that my best friend, Dylan's "nana" had a baby and it died. She was a bit farther along than I was and the baby lived a few minutes. I pray to God that never happens to her. Then later on in the dream (or maybe it was a different dream?) I was in the lobby at the hospital trying to check in. I was pregnant again and not very far along. I was there to deliver the baby. There were teenagers in the lobby making lots of noise and I started screaming at them to shut up. Last thing I remember about the dream was them wheeling me up to L&D.

My last belly picture

This was the last belly picture we took. It was the Sunday before our world fell apart, February 1st. Dylan was still alive as I remember him moving while I was sitting on the couch right before we took this picture.

Counseling

Michael and I decided that it would be good for us to go to counseling. My grief and sleeplessness have contributed to a huge lack of motivation on my part. Which frustrates Michael, which in turn frustrates me. He is of course also dealing with some grief, he just doesn't express it like I do. We are in agreement that counseling can help us work through this frustration. He and my mom are also worried that I am depressed. So I guess we'll have that checked out too. Michael called my OB office and asked if they could recommend a counselor. Of course it's the psychiatry clinic associated with the hospital. I am a little nervous. I have been to a counselor one other time in my life and it didn't go very well. Our appointment is this Thursday. Wish us luck.

Something they said to Michael today on the phone while he was making the appointment kind of crossed me. They said they wanted to see me alone first "since she was the one who actually lost the baby." What??? Michael lost a baby too, thank you very much! I don't know that he even took it that way but I was certainly offended by it! He lost a baby just as much as I did. Anyway, he told them he had to come with me since I don't drive and he'll have to bring me to the appointment. So that settles that.

Last couple of days

Friday night I did not sleep a wink. I layed down at 4:30 am but stayed awake. At 5:30 I woke Michael up asking if we could get up a head to Lowe's to pick up what we need to start tiling the house. We worked all day yesterday and I was exhausted by last night. I went to bed around 10:30 and slept like a rock until 12:30 today. I'm obviously still up tonight at 3:30.

I am leaning closer towards going back to work at my old job if I am not pregnant this cycle. They told me when I left that anytime I wanted to come back, to let them know and they'll find a place for me. I don't really want my old position back. Doing something that I don't have to think at, like receptionist, would be fine by me. We'll see how things go.

I started a new blog. It's called "My New Normal" and it's a place for me to post the "normal" things in my life. You can find a link in my profile if you would like to take a look.

Other than that, I have had too many other things on my mind the last few days to be too sad. It's been nice I guess, but I do feel guilty for enjoying myself or being too happy.