Dying of a broken heart

This is an interesting article.

I don't think I am necessarily dying, but I am sure in a lot of pain. I find that when I think about Dylan, it's hard to breathe. I feel a heaviness come over me. I wonder if there really is a knife cutting a hole in my heart. One that is too big to ever fill.

Fire ants

Michael and I went to visit Dylan today. When we pulled up, at first I couldn't see the little toy firetruck on Dylan's grave. I asked Michael if the firetruck was still there and he said "Yep, still there. Putting out the fire ants." I thought that was so cute! Babies of course hate fire ants. :)

Please

Here I am again. It's after 3 AM and I am still wide awake. I am fully aware that it is because I slept till 3:30 today. It's turning into a cycle that I can't seem to undo. Michael and I have to be somewhere at 8 in the morning, though, and then I have to go shopping with SIL.

I'd like to know...since I am no longer sleeping at night, why am I still living this nightmare?

This week I have felt so sluggish and sad. Angry at everyone around me who is happy and normal.

I feel lazy. I don't want to do anything. I want to hibernate until all of this is over. But it won't ever be over. Not until I meet my dear son in Heaven.

I feel like Michael expects too much from me. It's not much, really. It's the things I should be doing as a stay-at-home-wife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. I wash the clothes. Getting them folded is a whole 'nother matter though. I don't want to tell him that I feel this way because I don't want Dylan's death to be an excuse.

Please someone wake me up and tell me that I am still pregnant. That my baby is safe in my womb and that all this has just been a terrible, horrible nightmare. Please.

Sleepless

I had another sleepless night last night, which resulted in me sleeping until 3:30 this afternoon, which in turn will probably cause another sleepless night tonight. I just kept reliving each moment of February 4th.

-Michael stayed home from work
-The guys were setting up the forms to pour the driveway at our new house
-We went over to see how they were doing before we left for Tyler
-We got to Tyler a little early and ate at Wendy's
-We sat in the car at the Dr.s office while we ate.
-We went in and signed in downstairs
-We commented on this girl's really short school uniform skirt
-We were called back to talk to the insurance people
-They called us back for the u/s
-The tech asked if we wanted to find out the gender and I enthusiastically said "Yes!!"
-I hopped up on the table
-Tech put the wand on my belly and told me to go empty my bladder
-She told Michael that she would be right back
-Came back a few minutes later with a Dr we didn't know
-They looked at the screen a long time without saying much
-I asked if everything was okay.
-Dr. said they couldn't find the heartbeat
-I asked her to try it with the doppler, they should be able to get it that way, we did last week
-Dr said no, u/s is the best way to look
-I cupped my hand over my mouth and started to cry
-Tech asked if we wanted a picture
-She gave us the picture and lead us out the back door
-We sat in the car and cried.

I remember it all like it was yesterday. It's so vivid. I can't believe it's been so long already. I wish that day had never happened.

Angry

I am angry tonight. I am sick and tired of hearing about pregnant people. I am sick of having to act happy so as not to offend anyone. Honestly? I'm not really all that happy for them. I should be pregnant right now too and no one even acknowledges that. I know I'm being selfish..but I don't really care, it's just how I feel.

Tonight on a message board that I frequent (it's not a baby board), some girls were talking about cloth diapers. I love cloth diapers and was (and still am for future babies) planning on using them. I have quite a few diapers that I already bought, and some that I made. It made me so mad that they were discussing this! I couldn't bring myself to discuss it with them. I was just so hurt by this. I should still be buying and making diapers for my son. I can't even look at them right now! I just want to scream and cry. :(

27 weeks

Today I would be 27 weeks pregnant. I would probably be showing more than I did at 20 weeks. Tonight we're going to a bbq at my brother in law's church. I am sure some of the people will not have heard we lost Dylan. I can hear them say "my goodness, you're still not showing!" And what will I say to that? We'll see I guess. Maybe they do all know.
(Update: It went well! No one said a word about it. Everything was comfortable until our neice showed me a picture of Michael's ex-fiance with her new baby. :( But..I suppose she didn't know any better.)

I went to the cemetary by myself yesterday. I stayed about 20 minutes. I cried and talked a lot to little Dylan. I am a bit sad and melancholy today too.

Life.

I got back to Texas last Sunday. I had my Dr's appointment on Thursday, March 12. Everything is back to normal. She said I do not need the blood tests that she originally said we'd need to do. She also said that they reccommend waiting 3 months to get pregnant again, but she said several times that is would not be a big deal if I got pregnant before that. I started my first PP cycle yesterday and we are going to try this cycle!

Tonight at church was hard. My friend was there with her brand new baby girl. She was premature and only weighs 5 pounds. She was precious. When I first saw her, I started crying. My friend understood though and was very comforting. Her sister lost a baby at 27 weeks, 2 years ago. Later on tonight at dinner, I held the new baby and it was actually very comforting. She is absolutely lovely.

Michael and I still haven't been by to order Dylan's headstone. I am ready to do that. Maybe we'll go sometime this week.

1 Month

Today was exactly one month since Dylan's birth. Saturday February, 7 - Saturday March, 7. Crazy how that happened. I've been doing well this week. No breakdowns so far. Tomorrow I am going home to Texas. I am nervous because I will be at home by myself all day while Michael is at work. Since I don't drive I won't be able to get away. Michael may like that though, since I have spent an ungodly amount of money these last two weeks while in Louisiana with my mom. Don't they call that Retail Therapy? I don't know if that can help in this case, but it sure has been fun. So anyway, it seems like life is actually continuing on, even though it seems like it's only been a couple of days since I was in the hospital, holding my tiny son.

I wonder

http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-24-weeks

I was looking at this a little while ago. I shouldn't have. It made me think. Thinking is never that good of a thing to do too much of.

I remember little Dylan, just 4 short weeks ago, kicking away in my belly. It felt like what maybe a fish would feel like if it was swimming in your tummy. I remember just a few nights before we found out he was gone..he had kicked me harder than ever before. I wonder now, since he'd be bigger and stronger, what it would be like to feel him kick and squirm inside me. I wish he was still here.

I've been thinking about what will come next. Michael and I are going to TTC again as soon as we can. I want to TTC again. I want a baby more than anything. I wish I didn't have to because that would mean I would still have my Dylan. I miss my little boy.