Saturday, February 28, 2009
Baby clothes
Even since before I got pregnant I was obsessed with baby clothes. First it was "I wish I knew when I'll get pregnant so I know what season clothes to buy." Then it was "I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or girl so I can know what clothes to buy." So today as I was browsing around the baby department at Marshall's (WHY??) I stumbled upon a little boy's 3 month blue plaid short overalls set. Complete with the little blue polo shirt and matching hat. It hit me and I realized that if the last few weeks of my life had gone as planned, I would be buying this adorable little outfit for my son.
Friday, February 27, 2009
February
I was thinking today - this has to have been the longest month of my life. Funny, for it being the shortest month of the year. It has only been 3 weeks since Dylan's birth and it honestly feels like it's been months. Yet at the same time, only days. How is that possible? Each day crawls by and each week has felt more like a month. I wonder if this will continue on throughout the rest of the year or if it will be back to normal next month?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Names in the Sand
To Write Their Names In The Sand is an amazing blog run by a couple who lost their own baby. They write in the sand the names of babies and children who have also passed away. Here is the page with the picture they did for my Dylan.Twisted cords
I have been reading a lot lately. Not really about the cause of death of my baby but about stillbirth, loss, pregnancy after loss, etc. I have come to realize that cord twisting is almost never mentioned. Other cord accident are mentioned, but not twisting. So I decided I would look it up on the internet. I found all of two sentences, one on each of the sites I found on cord accidents, about cords twisting. All they indicate is that it rarely happens and when it does, usually leads to fetal demise. No kidding? I did find an article that one could purchase. But it was about the twisting of umbilical cords in equines. "Caused by fetal motility."
What I gather from this is - my son was the one in thousands that this might happen to. It's obviously too rare to write anything about it. He apparently moved too much and his silly cord just got wound up too tight.
What I gather from this is - my son was the one in thousands that this might happen to. It's obviously too rare to write anything about it. He apparently moved too much and his silly cord just got wound up too tight.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Breakdown
I had my first breakdown today. I thought I was doing so well, coping with this. Apparently not as well as I thought.
Today I went to ladies group at my church in Louisiana (where I am staying with my mom for a while). We had lunch and Bible reading. I was feeling a little blah because most of the 10 women that attended also brought their children under the age of two. After we ate we set out to do some outreach to a couple of families by bringing them cookies and letting them know we were thinking of them and praying for them. We arrived at the first house and at first all I noticed was the swing and car seat. It wasn't until 5 minutes into the visit that I noticed the girl on the couch holding the newborn. It was a small house and the room was crowded. Some of the other women started asking about the baby. It was a boy. A one week old boy. I looked around the room and saw the the front door was open. I ran out as quickly as I could. I just couldn't hold it together. My friend ran after me and held me while I sobbed. Within seconds all the other women had come out to comfort me as well.
I felt silly. Like I had ruined our outreach time. They assured me that it was normal and perfectly fine that I reacted that way. Thank God for friends who understand.
Today I went to ladies group at my church in Louisiana (where I am staying with my mom for a while). We had lunch and Bible reading. I was feeling a little blah because most of the 10 women that attended also brought their children under the age of two. After we ate we set out to do some outreach to a couple of families by bringing them cookies and letting them know we were thinking of them and praying for them. We arrived at the first house and at first all I noticed was the swing and car seat. It wasn't until 5 minutes into the visit that I noticed the girl on the couch holding the newborn. It was a small house and the room was crowded. Some of the other women started asking about the baby. It was a boy. A one week old boy. I looked around the room and saw the the front door was open. I ran out as quickly as I could. I just couldn't hold it together. My friend ran after me and held me while I sobbed. Within seconds all the other women had come out to comfort me as well.
I felt silly. Like I had ruined our outreach time. They assured me that it was normal and perfectly fine that I reacted that way. Thank God for friends who understand.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Feelings
I have had lots of different feelings over the last two weeks.
Denial
Sadness
Anger
Jealousy
Sadness
I think the last two are where I am right now. I am sad. I am unmotivated. And I am jealous. Jealous of others who are pregnant, mostly. Why can they be and not me? I find myself thinking "good luck, I hope it lasts for you" which is a really crappy thing of me to think. I also see pregnant teens and think "you don't deserve that." I mean there are lots of people who don't even want their babies and they have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies. Michael and I planned, hoped, dreamed and our baby died.
It is so not fair.
Denial
Sadness
Anger
Jealousy
Sadness
I think the last two are where I am right now. I am sad. I am unmotivated. And I am jealous. Jealous of others who are pregnant, mostly. Why can they be and not me? I find myself thinking "good luck, I hope it lasts for you" which is a really crappy thing of me to think. I also see pregnant teens and think "you don't deserve that." I mean there are lots of people who don't even want their babies and they have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies. Michael and I planned, hoped, dreamed and our baby died.
It is so not fair.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
If You Could Only See
I know you're feeling sad today because I had to go.
I know you have so many things
that remind you of me so.
And though you cry as you recall
the time you spent with me.
I know your pain would turn to joy if only
you could see. I'm in Heaven with Jesus now.
We laugh, we sing, we play.
He holds me gently in His arms.
I know no pain today.
And though we're apart a little while,
Jesus has promised me
He'll someday bring you here where we'll live for eternity.
I know you have so many things
that remind you of me so.
And though you cry as you recall
the time you spent with me.
I know your pain would turn to joy if only
you could see. I'm in Heaven with Jesus now.
We laugh, we sing, we play.
He holds me gently in His arms.
I know no pain today.
And though we're apart a little while,
Jesus has promised me
He'll someday bring you here where we'll live for eternity.
- Unknown
The Story
October 6th 2008 - A positive pregnancy test! We were SO excited.
The pregnancy was going great. I had bad morning sickness (well, all day sickness) but the baby and I were otherwise very healthy.
December 23rd 2008 - The first appointment with my new OB doctor. I previously had a midwife but my mom and husband talked me out of doing the homebirth for my first pregnancy. I loved my new doctor though! This was the day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. It was strong and perfect. Beating in the 160's.
January 22nd 2009 - Second appointment with OB. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant at this time. Perfect heartbeat again, beating in the 140's. Dr. made a guess that the baby was a boy.
We were supposed to have the 19/20 week ultrasound on January 26th to find out the gender. But due to my sickness I had been off work for a while and my job had to let me go. So we changed to u/s date to February 4th because of the change in insurance.
February 4th came and Michael and I were super excited. My sister (who is due June 17th, just 3 days before I was) found out the day before that she was expecting a girl. We arrived at the Dr's office and I hopped up on the table. The tech looked a little confused as she watched the screen. She left for a few minutes and came back with a doctor that we hadn't met before. They looked at the u/s screen for a long time without ever saying anything. Finally I asked if everything was okay.
"We aren't seeing a heartbeat" she said.
"Come back tomorrow morning to talk with your doctor"
Everything after that was a blur. Michael and I prayed all that night and we just knew that a mistake had been made and Thursday morning at the appointment our dr. would assure us that everything was okay. It didn't happen that way though. I insisted that my dr. do another u/s. She did and there had been no changes. The baby's heart had not miraculously started beating again. We decided that I would check into the hospital on Friday at 5:00 pm to start the induction.
February 6th -7th 2009 - We checked into the hospital Friday night and started IV's and Cervadyl. Saturday morning my Dr. started the induction with Cytotec. I didn't really go into labor until about 4 pm. I got an epidural at 6 pm and delivered little Dylan Thomas at 10:20 pm.
As soon as he was born the Dr. knew why he passed away. His little umbilical cord was twisted very tight.
Dylan weighed 2.4 ounces and was 6 3/4 inches long.
We held him and loved him for a while. Then the nurses took him to clean him up. We had a photographer come from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she took some beautiful pictures.
Dylan's funeral took place Tuesday, February 10, 2009.
The pregnancy was going great. I had bad morning sickness (well, all day sickness) but the baby and I were otherwise very healthy.
December 23rd 2008 - The first appointment with my new OB doctor. I previously had a midwife but my mom and husband talked me out of doing the homebirth for my first pregnancy. I loved my new doctor though! This was the day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. It was strong and perfect. Beating in the 160's.
January 22nd 2009 - Second appointment with OB. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant at this time. Perfect heartbeat again, beating in the 140's. Dr. made a guess that the baby was a boy.
We were supposed to have the 19/20 week ultrasound on January 26th to find out the gender. But due to my sickness I had been off work for a while and my job had to let me go. So we changed to u/s date to February 4th because of the change in insurance.
February 4th came and Michael and I were super excited. My sister (who is due June 17th, just 3 days before I was) found out the day before that she was expecting a girl. We arrived at the Dr's office and I hopped up on the table. The tech looked a little confused as she watched the screen. She left for a few minutes and came back with a doctor that we hadn't met before. They looked at the u/s screen for a long time without ever saying anything. Finally I asked if everything was okay.
"We aren't seeing a heartbeat" she said.
"Come back tomorrow morning to talk with your doctor"
Everything after that was a blur. Michael and I prayed all that night and we just knew that a mistake had been made and Thursday morning at the appointment our dr. would assure us that everything was okay. It didn't happen that way though. I insisted that my dr. do another u/s. She did and there had been no changes. The baby's heart had not miraculously started beating again. We decided that I would check into the hospital on Friday at 5:00 pm to start the induction.
February 6th -7th 2009 - We checked into the hospital Friday night and started IV's and Cervadyl. Saturday morning my Dr. started the induction with Cytotec. I didn't really go into labor until about 4 pm. I got an epidural at 6 pm and delivered little Dylan Thomas at 10:20 pm.
As soon as he was born the Dr. knew why he passed away. His little umbilical cord was twisted very tight.
Dylan weighed 2.4 ounces and was 6 3/4 inches long.
We held him and loved him for a while. Then the nurses took him to clean him up. We had a photographer come from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she took some beautiful pictures.
Dylan's funeral took place Tuesday, February 10, 2009.
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