The Children's Park

Michael and I went to the Children's Park after our appointment Wednesday. It was so beautiful there! Every year in October they host a butterfly release in memory of our babies. There are stones lining the walk-ways with babies' and childrens' names in memory of them. Michael and I would like to purchase a stone one day...though they are expensive and we'll have to save up since we just spent a good chunk of money on Dylan's headstone. Here are some pictures from around the park.

Life size, solid granite teddy bears. They were so cute!!

One of the waterfalls

The stone for my dear friend's baby, born into Heaven at 27 weeks

I just couldn't resist sitting on those cute bears for a photo. :)

My mother's day gift

The left side says "Dylan" and the right side says "2-7-2009". The stones are his birthstone and his "due date" stone. :)

Meet "Little Peanut"

Little Peanut! Heart was beating away at 150 bpm. So cute! :) Little Peanut (Let's say LP for short) measured at 7 w 2 days which is fine, according to my LMP I am 7 weeks 4 days, so not much difference.

First appointment

We have our first Dr's appointment tomorrow. We'll be meeting with the nurse first and then we'll go for an ultrasound. Please say a prayer that everything is fine and that we see a strong little beating heart.

They just don't get it

Michael's grandmother called last night. M was in a really bad mood and kind of yelled at her. She said "You know, ___ & ___ lost their baby too." M said "It's not even the same thing!" and hung up on her. This couple she was referring to had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago. Several times M's grandmother has brought it up that they lost one "just like ya'll." Now I don't want to discount anyone's miscarriage, I am sure it's a very painful and tragic thing to experience. But they are not "just like us" because they had a miscarriage. Her labor was not induced so she would give birth to a dead baby. They did not have to pick out a casket the size of a shoebox, buy a burial plot, and have a funeral. She did lose a baby, but it was NOT "just like us." I hate more than anything people coming up to me and saying "Oh I know exactly how you feel, I had a miscarriage too." I want to scream "Sorry to hear that! But did you hold your dead child in your arms? No. You have no idea how I feel."

I have a friend who lost a little boy at 27 weeks. She lost her next pregnancy at 6 weeks. She said that the miscarriage was sad, but it was nothing compared to losing her son at 27 weeks. She also doesn't understand how people can compare the two.

People are just so ignorant.

Wishes

I wish I had gotten more pictures of Dylan. My aunt took a few of him right after he was born, and I adore those. We had a photographer from NILMDTS come and take photos, and those are precious to me. But they are "fixed" and I wish I had more of him the way he really looked. The professional pictures are the ones I share with others. I wish that people weren't freaked out by his natural ones. He was a beautiful baby and I don't think his pictures needed any doctoring.

I wish we had taken more pictures of us holding him in our arms. After the nurses brought Dylan back to us, he was in a miniature moses basket. The photographer took him out but we only held him in the basket after that.

I wish I had gotten one of those cute little knitted caps for him to wear in his pictures.

I wish I had held him longer. Maybe all night. I miss holding him. I wish I could hold him again.

There are less than 8 weeks until Dylan's due date. I wish we were preparing his nursery and getting ready for his arrival, instead of starting all over again. I feel terrible for saying that. I love and adore this new little one growing inside me. But it doesn't change that fact that I should have a different, bigger baby in my belly right now, getting ready to come into the world.

These are some of the pictures of Dylan right after his birth.

Precious Dylan. His little hand got bent as he was coming out.

Close up of his cord twist.

Dylan's beautiful little face. With a chin just like his Daddy's.

Headstone

I have had very little energy the past two days. I eat, sleep, eat, sleep. But, it's better than all the puking I did with Dylan.

We went to the cemetery office today to order Dylan's headstone. I can't wait to see it. The sketch should be back at the beginning of next week and then the headstone will be ready about a week after that. It is bronze on top of granite. There will be baby shoes in one corner and a rattle in the other. I think we'll be really happy with it.

It was emotional picking it out. The lady helping us was so compassionate. I asked if there were other babies buried at this cemetery and she said there are, but they all have unmarked graves. That made me so sad! I cannot imagine leaving Dylan out there with no marker.