Days Without Dylan

Feelings and other rambling thoughts

2010-05-18T15:10:00.003-05:00

I think people assume that when you have another baby after a loss, that you get over your loss. Maybe forget? I don't really know what they think. Comments like "but you have a new baby now" really hurt. So I should forget my other baby? I don't think so.

The last couple of months have been really emotional for me. I don't know if it's hormones, or the time of year, or what. But I miss Dylan so much. No one understands it. I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like M has moved on from it. I love my baby girl so much, but it doesn't erase the fact that I love and miss my son and I always will. I still cry over him. Frequently in fact. It's not daily like it used to be. But weekly maybe.

No one talks about him. I think everyone has forgotten him.

Mother's day was hard. So many people said "Oh it must be your first mother's day" when they saw me with Vivian. I just nodded and looked away, because that's easier than explaining.

I wanted to take a picture with my children on Mother's Day. I wanted to go to Dylan's grave and take a picture of me and Vivian sitting by it. I think everyone would think it's super weird though.

Too many babies are dying. I have heard of so many little angels in the past few months. It makes me SO angry that they have to go. IT IS NOT FAIR. Maybe one day babies won't have to die anymore.

Happy Birthday Dylan

2010-02-07T16:57:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe it's been a year.

It's that time

2010-01-28T15:34:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! It's been a long time. I've avoided my blog for a long time because everytime I'd come here it would make me sad. But in the last week or so, I've been coming back to my blog for comfort. February is quickly approaching and with it the memories of The News and Dylan's birth.

On December 17, 2009 we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Vivian Noelle, into the world. She is an amazing miracle and blessing from God. We are enjoying every minute with her.

But with Dylan's birthday coming up, I have been sad. I miss him. I love my little girl so much, but no one can fill the hole in my heart that Dylan left. It is true that you can feel like your hurt is gone and your heart is healed and then suddenly the wound can burst open again when you're least expecting it. I did not think that this time would affect me. I thought we'd arrive at his birthday, visit his grave, cry a bit, and move on. But I don't see it happening that way, as I'm already grieving again. I guess the others are right when they say you're never really done grieving...

Last night I made this slideshow in memory on Dylan, for his birthday. I hope you enjoy. (You'll need to go to the bottom of the blog and pause my playlist so you can hear the song on the video)

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I guess it's time for an update..?

2009-08-12T01:40:00.005-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long! Things have been BUSY. And I guess I've been kind of avoiding my blog because it's somewhat depressing. Well, we moved into our new house that we've been building since August 2008. We LOVE it!! We're settling in and really enjoying living here.

I am doing really well. I am now 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little GIRL! We are so excited. Here are some pictures from our 17 week, 6 day ultrasound. :) Oh..and her name will be Vivian, which means "Alive"

Peanut's ultrasound

2009-06-23T13:10:00.002-05:00

This is Peanut's 13 week 2 day u/s. Today I am 14 weeks 3 days. We go for the "big" u/s on July 17.

Been a while

2009-06-18T22:57:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've been on my blog. It's actually been a while since I've done much of anything to remind myself of Dylan. I think I was subconsciously building up a wall to protect myself from the emotions. The ones I'm feeling now anyway. Day after tomorrow is Dylan's due date.

- Dylan's headstone came in weeks ago. It's lovely. I've only been to see him twice since it's been there.

- The baby is doing great. We had an ultrasound this past Monday at 13 weeks and 2 days and the Peanut was just perfect.

- I decided to make the trip to my sister's. I am actually sitting in her den right now. My niece Chloe was born last Wednesday, June 10th. She is just beautiful. But, I've been here since Tuesday and it's really getting hard. I've been strong. I only cried once. But I was sitting in the living room earlier and my sister was holding Chloe and cooing and talking to her and I just felt such jealousy and...I don't even know what to call all the feelings. It made me so mad. My mom and I are leaving Saturday and I don't really know how I'll handle another day of being around the baby. I have held her, changed her, taken care of her. I love her but now I don't even want to look at her. I've avoided the feeling for so long that I don't remember how to deal with this intense pain. And there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Torn

2009-05-13T15:51:00.002-05:00

It's coming upon the time that my little group of "preggies" is due to have their babies. One was born just yesterday, precious little girl. Another, a little boy, is due June 11. And my sister's sweet little girl is due June 17, just 3 days before my own due date. It's really beginning to hit me that, in just a few weeks, we would all have our little ones. But now, I won't. I won't be bringing a little one home in 6 weeks or showing him off at church. I lied awake last night imagining bringing Dylan home in his little carseat. Bringing him to church for the first time. Lugging all the baby gear around. But that is all I'll ever have with him, imaginings.

On the topic of my sister, I am really torn as to what to do. Like I said, she is due 3 days before I was. She lives in Arkansas and my mom is planning on going up there the week following the birth. She is going to stay at our house as a half way point, so I have the option of going with her. I am so nervous about it though. How will I feel? How will my sister feel? We were supposed to make this trip several weeks after the babies were here so we could all meet. But now it'll just be us meeting her. I feel like I'll want to hold her all the time and imagine that she's Dylan. But being my sister's new baby, she may not want me to hold her all the time. Or, she might totally understand. I might not want to hold the baby at all. Truth is, I don't know how I'll feel when/if I get there. I don't know if I should go or stay. I wonder if it might be a good time of healing for me, and if I don't go I'll miss out on it.

The Children's Park

2009-05-09T01:24:00.007-05:00

Michael and I went to the Children's Park after our appointment Wednesday. It was so beautiful there! Every year in October they host a butterfly release in memory of our babies. There are stones lining the walk-ways with babies' and childrens' names in memory of them. Michael and I would like to purchase a stone one day...though they are expensive and we'll have to save up since we just spent a good chunk of money on Dylan's headstone. Here are some pictures from around the park.

Life size, solid granite teddy bears. They were so cute!!

One of the waterfalls

The stone for my dear friend's baby, born into Heaven at 27 weeks

I just couldn't resist sitting on those cute bears for a photo. :)

My mother's day gift

2009-05-07T18:07:00.002-05:00

The left side says "Dylan" and the right side says "2-7-2009". The stones are his birthstone and his "due date" stone. :)

Meet "Little Peanut"

2009-05-06T19:41:00.004-05:00

Little Peanut! Heart was beating away at 150 bpm. So cute! :) Little Peanut (Let's say LP for short) measured at 7 w 2 days which is fine, according to my LMP I am 7 weeks 4 days, so not much difference.

First appointment

2009-05-06T01:03:00.003-05:00

We have our first Dr's appointment tomorrow. We'll be meeting with the nurse first and then we'll go for an ultrasound. Please say a prayer that everything is fine and that we see a strong little beating heart.

They just don't get it

2009-05-04T23:48:00.003-05:00

Michael's grandmother called last night. M was in a really bad mood and kind of yelled at her. She said "You know, ___ & ___ lost their baby too." M said "It's not even the same thing!" and hung up on her. This couple she was referring to had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago. Several times M's grandmother has brought it up that they lost one "just like ya'll." Now I don't want to discount anyone's miscarriage, I am sure it's a very painful and tragic thing to experience. But they are not "just like us" because they had a miscarriage. Her labor was not induced so she would give birth to a dead baby. They did not have to pick out a casket the size of a shoebox, buy a burial plot, and have a funeral. She did lose a baby, but it was NOT "just like us." I hate more than anything people coming up to me and saying "Oh I know exactly how you feel, I had a miscarriage too." I want to scream "Sorry to hear that! But did you hold your dead child in your arms? No. You have no idea how I feel."

I have a friend who lost a little boy at 27 weeks. She lost her next pregnancy at 6 weeks. She said that the miscarriage was sad, but it was nothing compared to losing her son at 27 weeks. She also doesn't understand how people can compare the two.

People are just so ignorant.

Wishes

2009-04-30T15:05:00.005-05:00

I wish I had gotten more pictures of Dylan. My aunt took a few of him right after he was born, and I adore those. We had a photographer from NILMDTS come and take photos, and those are precious to me. But they are "fixed" and I wish I had more of him the way he really looked. The professional pictures are the ones I share with others. I wish that people weren't freaked out by his natural ones. He was a beautiful baby and I don't think his pictures needed any doctoring.

I wish we had taken more pictures of us holding him in our arms. After the nurses brought Dylan back to us, he was in a miniature moses basket. The photographer took him out but we only held him in the basket after that.

I wish I had gotten one of those cute little knitted caps for him to wear in his pictures.

I wish I had held him longer. Maybe all night. I miss holding him. I wish I could hold him again.

There are less than 8 weeks until Dylan's due date. I wish we were preparing his nursery and getting ready for his arrival, instead of starting all over again. I feel terrible for saying that. I love and adore this new little one growing inside me. But it doesn't change that fact that I should have a different, bigger baby in my belly right now, getting ready to come into the world.

These are some of the pictures of Dylan right after his birth.

Precious Dylan. His little hand got bent as he was coming out.

Close up of his cord twist.

Dylan's beautiful little face. With a chin just like his Daddy's.

Headstone

2009-04-29T19:10:00.003-05:00

I have had very little energy the past two days. I eat, sleep, eat, sleep. But, it's better than all the puking I did with Dylan.

We went to the cemetery office today to order Dylan's headstone. I can't wait to see it. The sketch should be back at the beginning of next week and then the headstone will be ready about a week after that. It is bronze on top of granite. There will be baby shoes in one corner and a rattle in the other. I think we'll be really happy with it.

It was emotional picking it out. The lady helping us was so compassionate. I asked if there were other babies buried at this cemetery and she said there are, but they all have unmarked graves. That made me so sad! I cannot imagine leaving Dylan out there with no marker.

The Amazing Expanding Belly!

2009-04-25T01:25:00.004-05:00

This is insane. Here is a pic from 4 weeks 6 days:

This is today, 6 weeks:

Now, I am definitely not complaining. I like it actually. Even though to the average joe I look like a fat horse, to myself I look pregnant! I mean, go back a few posts and look at my 20 week belly pic with Dylan. It's not much bigger than this 6 week belly! I'm so excited. lol.

Oh and let me just mention, I have not gained any weight. It's all just shifting belly!

Beauty From Pain - Superchick

2009-04-23T01:31:00.002-05:00

Wow..these lyrics just describe it perfectly.

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

March for Babies?

2009-04-22T02:11:00.002-05:00

I really wish I had known about this sooner! I was just looking at their website and the walk in my area takes place this Saturday, and I'll still be in Louisiana. So I looked up the one for this area and it's not until May 25. Grr. I so want to walk! My goal now is to definitely set up a team and walk next year in memory of Dylan. Can anyone tell me when they start planning for the following year?

Sadness

2009-04-21T00:52:00.002-05:00

I am experiencing an overwhelming sadness tonight. I am not sure what brought it on but I have been thinking about Dylan all night. Then as I was telling Michael goodnight on AIM (I'm in Louisiana at my mom's right now) I remembered that the last 3 or 4 nights I've had nightmares of losing this baby. It's not terrifying, sweating, screaming nightmares. But it seems like at least once in the night I dream that I am bleeding or that I'm in the hospital or something to that affect. It's terrible.

Please God, touch my mind. Help me to sleep peacefully. Lord, please heal my heart. Keep this little baby safe and growing. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Going through Hell

2009-04-20T00:43:00.002-05:00

This morning's sermon was titled "You Can't Escape Hell." I am never good at remembering sermons word for word so I'll just say it like I heard it. I swear it was preached straight to me. The pastor said something about even if we don't go to Hell after we die, we all go through Hell here on earth. He talked about how after we have been through our Hell, we are afraid that we will go through this same Hell again. And no one can say for sure whether or not we will. But God knows and He has a plan. He will be with us through it all and will bring us out on the other side, stronger.

Pastor told a story of a huge fire in L.A. County. A family was escaping in their car, but the husband took a wrong turn. They ended up on top of a mountain with a 40 foot wall of fire on all sides of them. The family cried, they apologized to one another. The man sobbed and told his family he was sorry he took the wrong turn. That it was all his fault that they were going to die. Then all of a sudden he made a decision. He decided that he wouldn't just let his family sit there and experience a sure death. He grabbed the steering wheel, hit the gas pedal and floored it through the flames. The rubber melted off the tires, the car came crashing out on the other side of the flames and slammed into the side of a mountain. The car was dented, scratched, and beat up. But the family came out alive.

I am nervous about this pregnancy. I can deny it all I want and say "I've received all these signs, I know it'll all be okay." But that would be a lie. I am in the middle of Hell and I'm afraid I'll have to go through it all over again. But this message this morning gave me hope. That if I hold on tight, floor the accelerator, and just keep on going through, that God will bring me out on the other side alive. God will take care of this baby. He knows I'm afraid. But He is using this Hell to make me a stronger person and have a stronger faith. And I know that when I get out on the other side of this Hell, that there will be a beautiful gift on the other side, my new little baby. I'm not saying the pain won't still be there. But I hope it will be less severe. I know that God is using this Fire to mold me into the mommy, wife, and follower of Christ that I am meant to be.

Signs

2009-04-15T12:41:00.003-05:00

I am in shock. Signs have been popping up everywhere with this pregnancy. First, I estimated that my LMP would start on March 14 long before it ever did. Since starting my LMP on that date, my EDD is December 19, which is my 87 year old grandmother's birthday. Now here is the newest sign. I have had a strong feeling that this baby is a girl. Before I even got my first BFP I said her name will be Vivienne. We've been calling her that the last few days. Well I just decided to look up the meaning of the name Vivienne and the meaning shocked me and brought tears to my eyes. It means....

Alive.

Mixed emotions

2009-04-11T23:55:00.003-05:00

So of course I am totally thrilled about this pregnancy! I had a good feeling about this month because 3 weeks before I even started my period, I did a due date calculation. Of course it asked for LMP and I randomly put in March 14. It gave me a EDD of December 19. Which just so happens to be my 87 year old grandmother's birthday. So I was thinking the whole time "it's a sign! it's got to be!" So when I actually DID start my period on March 14 I was really convinced that this had to be it. Besides that I had been praying like crazy that I really need to have a 2009 baby. Finally I start getting BFP tests and I am scared silly. I cried and prayed all night the other night (I took the first test at 2 am). I was really really nervous. But since then this peace has come over me. I feel like Jesus and Dylan have together given Michael and I this baby. I know Dylan had something to do with it. When I talked to Dylan at his grave I asked him to please please ask Jesus to send Mommy another baby. Well, they did. So if that is the case, I am sure they are going to be watching over this baby and make sure all goes well.

Of course there is still that nervousness. I don't think any amount of faith can fully extinguish that fear. But I will continue to pray that this baby will live. And I feel in my heart and soul that he or she will.

Some news...

2009-04-11T21:15:00.002-05:00

Michael's Easter basket. I gave it to him tonight. He was so surprised!

EDD: December 19, 2009

It went well

2009-04-09T18:12:00.002-05:00

Michael and I had our first couseling session today. We both really liked the counselor and felt really good after we left. I think these sessions will really help us with not only our grief but help strengthen our marriage as well.

Nightmares

2009-04-09T00:18:00.002-05:00

I am not sure what is wrong with me. Last night I dreamed that my best friend, Dylan's "nana" had a baby and it died. She was a bit farther along than I was and the baby lived a few minutes. I pray to God that never happens to her. Then later on in the dream (or maybe it was a different dream?) I was in the lobby at the hospital trying to check in. I was pregnant again and not very far along. I was there to deliver the baby. There were teenagers in the lobby making lots of noise and I started screaming at them to shut up. Last thing I remember about the dream was them wheeling me up to L&D.

My last belly picture

2009-04-08T18:35:00.003-05:00

This was the last belly picture we took. It was the Sunday before our world fell apart, February 1st. Dylan was still alive as I remember him moving while I was sitting on the couch right before we took this picture.

Counseling

2009-04-08T02:50:00.002-05:00

Michael and I decided that it would be good for us to go to counseling. My grief and sleeplessness have contributed to a huge lack of motivation on my part. Which frustrates Michael, which in turn frustrates me. He is of course also dealing with some grief, he just doesn't express it like I do. We are in agreement that counseling can help us work through this frustration. He and my mom are also worried that I am depressed. So I guess we'll have that checked out too. Michael called my OB office and asked if they could recommend a counselor. Of course it's the psychiatry clinic associated with the hospital. I am a little nervous. I have been to a counselor one other time in my life and it didn't go very well. Our appointment is this Thursday. Wish us luck.

Something they said to Michael today on the phone while he was making the appointment kind of crossed me. They said they wanted to see me alone first "since she was the one who actually lost the baby." What??? Michael lost a baby too, thank you very much! I don't know that he even took it that way but I was certainly offended by it! He lost a baby just as much as I did. Anyway, he told them he had to come with me since I don't drive and he'll have to bring me to the appointment. So that settles that.

Last couple of days

2009-04-06T03:24:00.002-05:00

Friday night I did not sleep a wink. I layed down at 4:30 am but stayed awake. At 5:30 I woke Michael up asking if we could get up a head to Lowe's to pick up what we need to start tiling the house. We worked all day yesterday and I was exhausted by last night. I went to bed around 10:30 and slept like a rock until 12:30 today. I'm obviously still up tonight at 3:30.

I am leaning closer towards going back to work at my old job if I am not pregnant this cycle. They told me when I left that anytime I wanted to come back, to let them know and they'll find a place for me. I don't really want my old position back. Doing something that I don't have to think at, like receptionist, would be fine by me. We'll see how things go.

I started a new blog. It's called "My New Normal" and it's a place for me to post the "normal" things in my life. You can find a link in my profile if you would like to take a look.

Other than that, I have had too many other things on my mind the last few days to be too sad. It's been nice I guess, but I do feel guilty for enjoying myself or being too happy.

Dying of a broken heart

2009-03-31T02:22:00.002-05:00

This is an interesting article.

I don't think I am necessarily dying, but I am sure in a lot of pain. I find that when I think about Dylan, it's hard to breathe. I feel a heaviness come over me. I wonder if there really is a knife cutting a hole in my heart. One that is too big to ever fill.

Fire ants

2009-03-30T01:24:00.002-05:00

Michael and I went to visit Dylan today. When we pulled up, at first I couldn't see the little toy firetruck on Dylan's grave. I asked Michael if the firetruck was still there and he said "Yep, still there. Putting out the fire ants." I thought that was so cute! Babies of course hate fire ants. :)

Please

2009-03-28T03:11:00.003-05:00

Here I am again. It's after 3 AM and I am still wide awake. I am fully aware that it is because I slept till 3:30 today. It's turning into a cycle that I can't seem to undo. Michael and I have to be somewhere at 8 in the morning, though, and then I have to go shopping with SIL.

I'd like to know...since I am no longer sleeping at night, why am I still living this nightmare?

This week I have felt so sluggish and sad. Angry at everyone around me who is happy and normal.

I feel lazy. I don't want to do anything. I want to hibernate until all of this is over. But it won't ever be over. Not until I meet my dear son in Heaven.

I feel like Michael expects too much from me. It's not much, really. It's the things I should be doing as a stay-at-home-wife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. I wash the clothes. Getting them folded is a whole 'nother matter though. I don't want to tell him that I feel this way because I don't want Dylan's death to be an excuse.

Please someone wake me up and tell me that I am still pregnant. That my baby is safe in my womb and that all this has just been a terrible, horrible nightmare. Please.

Sleepless

2009-03-27T22:06:00.003-05:00

I had another sleepless night last night, which resulted in me sleeping until 3:30 this afternoon, which in turn will probably cause another sleepless night tonight. I just kept reliving each moment of February 4th.

-Michael stayed home from work
-The guys were setting up the forms to pour the driveway at our new house
-We went over to see how they were doing before we left for Tyler
-We got to Tyler a little early and ate at Wendy's
-We sat in the car at the Dr.s office while we ate.
-We went in and signed in downstairs
-We commented on this girl's really short school uniform skirt
-We were called back to talk to the insurance people
-They called us back for the u/s
-The tech asked if we wanted to find out the gender and I enthusiastically said "Yes!!"
-I hopped up on the table
-Tech put the wand on my belly and told me to go empty my bladder
-She told Michael that she would be right back
-Came back a few minutes later with a Dr we didn't know
-They looked at the screen a long time without saying much
-I asked if everything was okay.
-Dr. said they couldn't find the heartbeat
-I asked her to try it with the doppler, they should be able to get it that way, we did last week
-Dr said no, u/s is the best way to look
-I cupped my hand over my mouth and started to cry
-Tech asked if we wanted a picture
-She gave us the picture and lead us out the back door
-We sat in the car and cried.

I remember it all like it was yesterday. It's so vivid. I can't believe it's been so long already. I wish that day had never happened.

Angry

2009-03-25T00:28:00.002-05:00

I am angry tonight. I am sick and tired of hearing about pregnant people. I am sick of having to act happy so as not to offend anyone. Honestly? I'm not really all that happy for them. I should be pregnant right now too and no one even acknowledges that. I know I'm being selfish..but I don't really care, it's just how I feel.

Tonight on a message board that I frequent (it's not a baby board), some girls were talking about cloth diapers. I love cloth diapers and was (and still am for future babies) planning on using them. I have quite a few diapers that I already bought, and some that I made. It made me so mad that they were discussing this! I couldn't bring myself to discuss it with them. I was just so hurt by this. I should still be buying and making diapers for my son. I can't even look at them right now! I just want to scream and cry. :(

27 weeks

2009-03-21T17:09:00.003-05:00

Today I would be 27 weeks pregnant. I would probably be showing more than I did at 20 weeks. Tonight we're going to a bbq at my brother in law's church. I am sure some of the people will not have heard we lost Dylan. I can hear them say "my goodness, you're still not showing!" And what will I say to that? We'll see I guess. Maybe they do all know.
(Update: It went well! No one said a word about it. Everything was comfortable until our neice showed me a picture of Michael's ex-fiance with her new baby. :( But..I suppose she didn't know any better.)

I went to the cemetary by myself yesterday. I stayed about 20 minutes. I cried and talked a lot to little Dylan. I am a bit sad and melancholy today too.

Life.

2009-03-15T23:58:00.002-05:00

I got back to Texas last Sunday. I had my Dr's appointment on Thursday, March 12. Everything is back to normal. She said I do not need the blood tests that she originally said we'd need to do. She also said that they reccommend waiting 3 months to get pregnant again, but she said several times that is would not be a big deal if I got pregnant before that. I started my first PP cycle yesterday and we are going to try this cycle!

Tonight at church was hard. My friend was there with her brand new baby girl. She was premature and only weighs 5 pounds. She was precious. When I first saw her, I started crying. My friend understood though and was very comforting. Her sister lost a baby at 27 weeks, 2 years ago. Later on tonight at dinner, I held the new baby and it was actually very comforting. She is absolutely lovely.

Michael and I still haven't been by to order Dylan's headstone. I am ready to do that. Maybe we'll go sometime this week.

1 Month

2009-03-07T22:53:00.002-06:00

Today was exactly one month since Dylan's birth. Saturday February, 7 - Saturday March, 7. Crazy how that happened. I've been doing well this week. No breakdowns so far. Tomorrow I am going home to Texas. I am nervous because I will be at home by myself all day while Michael is at work. Since I don't drive I won't be able to get away. Michael may like that though, since I have spent an ungodly amount of money these last two weeks while in Louisiana with my mom. Don't they call that Retail Therapy? I don't know if that can help in this case, but it sure has been fun. So anyway, it seems like life is actually continuing on, even though it seems like it's only been a couple of days since I was in the hospital, holding my tiny son.

I wonder

2009-03-02T01:44:00.002-06:00

http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-24-weeks

I was looking at this a little while ago. I shouldn't have. It made me think. Thinking is never that good of a thing to do too much of.

I remember little Dylan, just 4 short weeks ago, kicking away in my belly. It felt like what maybe a fish would feel like if it was swimming in your tummy. I remember just a few nights before we found out he was gone..he had kicked me harder than ever before. I wonder now, since he'd be bigger and stronger, what it would be like to feel him kick and squirm inside me. I wish he was still here.

I've been thinking about what will come next. Michael and I are going to TTC again as soon as we can. I want to TTC again. I want a baby more than anything. I wish I didn't have to because that would mean I would still have my Dylan. I miss my little boy.

Baby clothes

2009-02-28T00:24:00.002-06:00

Even since before I got pregnant I was obsessed with baby clothes. First it was "I wish I knew when I'll get pregnant so I know what season clothes to buy." Then it was "I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or girl so I can know what clothes to buy." So today as I was browsing around the baby department at Marshall's (WHY??) I stumbled upon a little boy's 3 month blue plaid short overalls set. Complete with the little blue polo shirt and matching hat. It hit me and I realized that if the last few weeks of my life had gone as planned, I would be buying this adorable little outfit for my son.

February

2009-02-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

I was thinking today - this has to have been the longest month of my life. Funny, for it being the shortest month of the year. It has only been 3 weeks since Dylan's birth and it honestly feels like it's been months. Yet at the same time, only days. How is that possible? Each day crawls by and each week has felt more like a month. I wonder if this will continue on throughout the rest of the year or if it will be back to normal next month?

Names in the Sand

2009-02-26T01:15:00.001-06:00

To Write Their Names In The Sand is an amazing blog run by a couple who lost their own baby. They write in the sand the names of babies and children who have also passed away. Here is the page with the picture they did for my Dylan.

Twisted cords

2009-02-26T00:12:00.001-06:00

I have been reading a lot lately. Not really about the cause of death of my baby but about stillbirth, loss, pregnancy after loss, etc. I have come to realize that cord twisting is almost never mentioned. Other cord accident are mentioned, but not twisting. So I decided I would look it up on the internet. I found all of two sentences, one on each of the sites I found on cord accidents, about cords twisting. All they indicate is that it rarely happens and when it does, usually leads to fetal demise. No kidding? I did find an article that one could purchase. But it was about the twisting of umbilical cords in equines. "Caused by fetal motility."

What I gather from this is - my son was the one in thousands that this might happen to. It's obviously too rare to write anything about it. He apparently moved too much and his silly cord just got wound up too tight.

Breakdown

2009-02-25T23:49:00.000-06:00

I had my first breakdown today. I thought I was doing so well, coping with this. Apparently not as well as I thought.

Today I went to ladies group at my church in Louisiana (where I am staying with my mom for a while). We had lunch and Bible reading. I was feeling a little blah because most of the 10 women that attended also brought their children under the age of two. After we ate we set out to do some outreach to a couple of families by bringing them cookies and letting them know we were thinking of them and praying for them. We arrived at the first house and at first all I noticed was the swing and car seat. It wasn't until 5 minutes into the visit that I noticed the girl on the couch holding the newborn. It was a small house and the room was crowded. Some of the other women started asking about the baby. It was a boy. A one week old boy. I looked around the room and saw the the front door was open. I ran out as quickly as I could. I just couldn't hold it together. My friend ran after me and held me while I sobbed. Within seconds all the other women had come out to comfort me as well.

I felt silly. Like I had ruined our outreach time. They assured me that it was normal and perfectly fine that I reacted that way. Thank God for friends who understand.

Feelings

2009-02-19T20:48:00.000-06:00

I have had lots of different feelings over the last two weeks.

Denial
Sadness
Anger
Jealousy
Sadness

I think the last two are where I am right now. I am sad. I am unmotivated. And I am jealous. Jealous of others who are pregnant, mostly. Why can they be and not me? I find myself thinking "good luck, I hope it lasts for you" which is a really crappy thing of me to think. I also see pregnant teens and think "you don't deserve that." I mean there are lots of people who don't even want their babies and they have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies. Michael and I planned, hoped, dreamed and our baby died.

It is so not fair.

If You Could Only See

2009-02-18T21:11:00.000-06:00

I know you're feeling sad today because I had to go.
I know you have so many things
that remind you of me so.
And though you cry as you recall
the time you spent with me.
I know your pain would turn to joy if only
you could see. I'm in Heaven with Jesus now.
We laugh, we sing, we play.
He holds me gently in His arms.
I know no pain today.
And though we're apart a little while,
Jesus has promised me
He'll someday bring you here where we'll live for eternity.

- Unknown

The Story

2009-02-18T20:26:00.000-06:00

October 6th 2008 - A positive pregnancy test! We were SO excited.

The pregnancy was going great. I had bad morning sickness (well, all day sickness) but the baby and I were otherwise very healthy.

December 23rd 2008 - The first appointment with my new OB doctor. I previously had a midwife but my mom and husband talked me out of doing the homebirth for my first pregnancy. I loved my new doctor though! This was the day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. It was strong and perfect. Beating in the 160's.

January 22nd 2009 - Second appointment with OB. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant at this time. Perfect heartbeat again, beating in the 140's. Dr. made a guess that the baby was a boy.

We were supposed to have the 19/20 week ultrasound on January 26th to find out the gender. But due to my sickness I had been off work for a while and my job had to let me go. So we changed to u/s date to February 4th because of the change in insurance.

February 4th came and Michael and I were super excited. My sister (who is due June 17th, just 3 days before I was) found out the day before that she was expecting a girl. We arrived at the Dr's office and I hopped up on the table. The tech looked a little confused as she watched the screen. She left for a few minutes and came back with a doctor that we hadn't met before. They looked at the u/s screen for a long time without ever saying anything. Finally I asked if everything was okay.

"We aren't seeing a heartbeat" she said.

"Come back tomorrow morning to talk with your doctor"

Everything after that was a blur. Michael and I prayed all that night and we just knew that a mistake had been made and Thursday morning at the appointment our dr. would assure us that everything was okay. It didn't happen that way though. I insisted that my dr. do another u/s. She did and there had been no changes. The baby's heart had not miraculously started beating again. We decided that I would check into the hospital on Friday at 5:00 pm to start the induction.

February 6th -7th 2009 - We checked into the hospital Friday night and started IV's and Cervadyl. Saturday morning my Dr. started the induction with Cytotec. I didn't really go into labor until about 4 pm. I got an epidural at 6 pm and delivered little Dylan Thomas at 10:20 pm.
As soon as he was born the Dr. knew why he passed away. His little umbilical cord was twisted very tight.

Dylan weighed 2.4 ounces and was 6 3/4 inches long.

We held him and loved him for a while. Then the nurses took him to clean him up. We had a photographer come from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she took some beautiful pictures.

Dylan's funeral took place Tuesday, February 10, 2009.